You ever had just enough of something that the smallest addition might send you spiraling into over-kill--over-amped, over-fed, over-medicated, over-sensitive, over and over and over and on? Where did I hear or see "over-fed?" It must've been my other conscious half.
Like today. I had just enough coffee at breakfast, and just enough eggs and quiche. Then, I got to work, got fussy or nervous or flustered or bored, and went to the career center for free coffee. I swear, after the first drink, I became over-caffeinated.
Now, my feet can't stop tap, tap, tappin'. And I can't relax. I know I'm caffeine-sensitive. Though this is a recent condition. If I have just enough caffeine, I feel settled. A sip more, and I feel like I need to run the distance to calm my jitters.
Maybe I'm over-informed. Maybe I can't digest the amount of information I ingest on a daily basis, sitting in front of this computer at work. No. No. No.
Maybe I need to breathe, and not give into the urge to quiet whatever jitter is ticking. Maybe I need to refrain. Maybe I need to sit tight.
But, coffee comforts me.
Is it me or are we all seeking that which comforts?
It's not me. At the bottom of that jitter, and this is something I read in a Buddhist book, is ground zero. The source of your need for comfort has a root and a cause.
Mine is loneliness. And I don't mean loneliness because I have no company. I have enough company.
You know what state I'm in? I've arrived at hopelessness.
Now, let me tell you something about hopelessness. I've been in this hopeless state for awhile. And when I found myself feeling like life is hopeless, I didn't panic. I didn't fight it. I didn't feel sad. I told my friend about it, and she thought it sounded dissonant. But, I disagreed. And here's why--I found a reinforcement to my feeling last night as I read:
"Hope and fear come from a feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can't simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what 's going on, but that there's something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world.
"Rather than letting negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look. That's the compassionate thing to do. That's the brave thing to do. We could smell that piece of shit. We could feel it; what is its texture, color, and shape?
"We can explore the nature of that piece of shit. We can know the nature of dislike, shame, and embarrassment and not believe there's something wrong with that. We can drop the fundamental hope that there is a better "me" who one day will emerge. We can't just jump over ourselves as if we were not there. It's better to take a straight look at all our hopes and fears. Then some kind of confidence in our basic sanity arises.
Hopelessness is a place where one has given up the idea that she is lacking or in need. Instead, hopelessness provides emptiness and the feeling of acceptance of everything just as it is.
I accept life just as it is. I would not change a thing. I don't feel the need to push for something--I feel the need to keep moving. I don't want to stop.
That doesn't sound dissonant to me. However, the fact that I want to keep moving may imply that I'm running from something or somebody.
I don't want to go in circles. I want to accept life just as it is and who I am just as I am.
I've finally reached a place of emptiness. I've finally had enough of the same old story, so I'm risking the free fall of being completely alone and accepting that what I once wanted no longer fits. I'm over it.
I can't have it because it's not mine. Simple equation. With that, I think maybe she's not what I need anyway. Maybe I'm not what she needs. Mom says, "If it's too complicated, then it's not right. Two people and love should never be so complicated."
What a weird, twilight-zone of a world.
One day, we're walking along and thinking we know what we want and what's in store for us. We're surprised when the universe doesn't cooperate. We argue with it. We struggle and cry, yell obsenities, beseech forgiveness and help. We say our prayers. We abandon prayer. We abandon hope. We accept that we don't have an ounce of the control we'd like to have. We're sore and pissy for a bit but, eventually, we let it go.
We move on. Now, we're grateful that we have the courage to move on and accept our failures (because that's what it means to grow). When we completely accept our failures, we're ready for new life. We're ready to begin anew.
All I got is time, and everything I need is right here.
"X" marks the spot.